Reader asks Abby whether to act on urges from ex-boyfriends

A reader identified as Wondering in the Northwest wrote to the Dear Abby column on Tuesday to seek advice on managing intrusive thoughts about an ex-boyfriend.

The 39-year-old woman has been married for 20 years. Her two children are nearly adults. She stated that her husband cheated on her multiple times when the couple was young. She said she has moved past those incidents for the most part and that they now have a solid relationship.

Over the last 18 months, several ex-boyfriends have contacted her. She removed herself from social media platforms and job websites, but the men continued to find her. One specific ex occupies more space in her mind than she believes he should. About a year ago, they spoke on the phone. They did not meet in person. She felt bad and told him to stop talking to her. He later found her through a friend, and the intrusive thoughts returned.

The reader noted that she never had the chance to date other people the way her spouse did. Her husband has slept with many women, while she has only ever slept with him. She feels she missed out on an experience. She added that she thinks she knows the answer but cannot discuss the matter with others.

Abigail Van Buren, the pseudonym for the column, replied that the reader should not risk her solid relationship on a what-if. She stated that her husband’s decades-old indiscretions are not an excuse to cheat on him now. The columnist advised the reader to let those past events go completely, calling them ancient history. She recommended blocking the ex-boyfriend and asking friends to stop giving out her phone number without permission. If the reader needs to rekindle passion with her husband, she suggested consulting a licensed couples counselor, either with him or on her own.

In a separate letter, a reader known as Mixed Up in Arizona described a situation involving longtime friends visiting their home in Arizona. The couple invited the friends to dinner and for a night stay when they passed through the area. The friends confirmed their arrival time a week in advance.

Two hours before the scheduled arrival, the friends called to report a mix-up. They said they were busy that night and asked to push dinner back to 10:30 p.m. The friends stated they would spend the entire next day visiting. The hosts noted that they rarely eat dinner that late, as their bedtime is around 10 p.m. The hosts also had pre-existing plans for the following day.

The couple adapted by offering light appetizers and dessert when the friends arrived at nearly 11 p.m. The hosts excused themselves to retire at midnight after setting up the guest room. They reminded the guests that they had to leave by 10 a.m. the next morning for a commitment. The hosts offered to visit over coffee and pastries beforehand. The guests said they prefer to sleep until almost noon. They appeared genuinely miffed that the hosts had not changed their plans.

Van Buren replied that she would have handled the situation the same way the reader did. She advised that in the future, the reader should not agree to host that presumptuous couple again.